My Life. My Struggle. My Healing.

When will I stop hurting?

When will I stop loving him so much?

Those are the questions I ask myself almost every day.

Sometimes it feels like my biggest weakness is loving deeply. People hurt me, disappoint me, betray me, and somehow I still love them. I may remove them from my life. I may stop speaking to them. I may build walls and create distance. But the love doesn’t disappear.

Instead, I grieve.

I grieve who they were. I grieve who I thought they were. I grieve what could have been.

Sometimes I don’t understand why God gave me a heart that loves people so purely, so deeply, and so loyally.

I’ve been loyal even now.

Even through separation.

Even through abuse.

Even through betrayal.

Even through trauma.

And some days I find myself asking, “What is wrong with me?”

Why can’t I just stop loving someone who hurt me?

Why can’t I turn my feelings off and walk away without looking back?

I don’t want to be like this sometimes. I don’t want to carry the weight of loving people who never protected my heart.

Why would God give me a heart that loves this deeply and then allow people into my life who harm it, damage it, and leave scars on it instead of protecting it?

I don’t know the answer.

All I know is that I am tired.

Tired of missing someone who hurt me.

Tired of yearning for someone who didn’t choose me the way I chose them.

Tired of hoping for change that may never come.

I still love him.

That’s the truth.

I still pray for him.

I still hope God changes his heart.

I still wish things had been different or that restoration could happen.

But maybe healing isn’t about stopping the love. Maybe healing is accepting that love alone cannot save a relationship. Maybe healing is understanding that I can love someone deeply and still choose myself. Still choose peace. Still choose safety. Still choose what God has for me.

So tonight, I pray.

I pray that if he will never change and love me the way God intended, God gives me the strength to release him.

I pray that He takes away the yearning that keeps me tied to someone who continues to hurt me.

I pray that He heals the places in me that keep waiting for love from someone unwilling to give it.

And most of all, I pray that one day I wake up and realize the pain is gone.

Not because I stopped loving.

But because God finally taught me how to love myself, too.

Love always,

Kelsey