Dear Reader,

October 12, 2026

Yesterday, I was baptized. And that means something to me.

I made the decision to give my life to Jesus because He loved me enough to give His life for mine. And with that decision comes change. Not just in how I live, but in how I see myself and what I continue to allow in my life.

One of the hardest things I have to change is believing that I am worthy of love.

I have spent so much of my life allowing the way people treated me to determine how I felt about myself. I believed that if someone couldn’t love me, choose me, remain loyal to me, or even treat me with kindness, then maybe there was something about me that made me undeserving of those things.

Yesterday, when the man baptizing me asked me my story, I told him something that came straight from my heart.

“I have spent so much of my life chasing love from people who never chose to give it to me. So now I’m chasing Jesus, because He gives His love freely.”

And I meant every word.

For the last year, I have begged my estranged spouse to love me. To choose me. To be loyal to me. To treat me kindly. To care about my feelings and the pain his actions caused. I begged for a marriage where I felt loved, honored, protected, and valued. Things I should never have had to beg for in the first place.

I cannot even begin to explain how many tears I have cried. How many nights I have prayed for God to change his heart. How many times I believed that maybe this time things would be different, only to find myself hurting and broken all over again.

And somewhere in all that begging, I started believing I just wasn’t worth those things.

Today, I told my mom that despite everything, there is still a tiny piece of me that hopes he will change for me. She reminded me that God can change anyone, but He also gives us free will. And if someone is unwilling to change, they will not change. And that hurts because I know she’s right.

I have spent so long holding onto the hope of who someone could become that I have continued allowing who they are choosing to be hurt me. And as much as I wanted my marriage to work, I cannot spend the rest of my life begging someone to see my worth.

And that’s where Jesus comes in.

Because while I was begging another human being to choose me, Jesus had already chosen to die for me.

While I was crying over someone who couldn’t show me kindness, Jesus was offering me a love I never had to earn.

While I was questioning whether I was worth loving, God had already answered that question through the cross.

I was worth loving. I was worth choosing. I was worth being treated with kindness, loyalty, and respect. I was worth a marriage where love was given freely instead of something I had to beg for.

And someone else’s unwillingness to give me those things never meant I was undeserving of them.

I think that’s what makes yesterday so emotional for me. I didn’t just make a decision to follow Jesus. I made a decision to stop looking to people who have hurt me to tell me what I am worth.

I know I will still struggle. I know there will be days I cry, days I miss what I wanted my marriage to be, and days I wonder why things couldn’t have been different. But I am learning to trust God with the things I cannot change and the people I cannot make love me.

I trust that He will provide for me. I trust that He will heal the parts of me that have spent years feeling unwanted. And I trust that the love He has for me is greater than the rejection I have experienced in this world.

The world made me feel unlovable. People made me feel replaceable. The person I wanted to spend my life with made me question whether I was worth choosing.

But Jesus looked at me and decided I was worth all these things.

And if I was worth that much to Him, then I have to stop living like I am worth so little to everyone else.

That’s the woman I want to leave behind. The woman who begged to be loved. The woman who believed someone’s cruelty was a reflection of her worth. The woman who kept breaking her own heart trying to convince someone to choose her.

Yesterday, I gave my life to Jesus.

And today, I am learning that I was never as worthless as this world made me feel.

I was always worth loving. I just spent too many years asking the wrong people to prove it.

And so I pray, for everyone who reads this to see.

God, continue to show me how much You love me, and let me feel that love in my everyday life. Show me who I am through Your eyes. Remind me that I no longer have to beg anyone to love me, choose me, or treat me with kindness.

God, remove the people from my life who say they love me but show otherwise. The people who are kind to my face but speak evil behind my back. The people who continue to hurt me. Do not allow them access to me or my children.

God, provide for me and my children. Restore everything the enemy has stolen from me throughout the years. Give me the love I never received, the kindness I should never have had to beg for, and the loyalty I deserved. Bless me with a home of my own that cannot be taken away. A marriage that is beautiful, faithful, loving, and honoring to You. And so much more than I could ever imagine.

And last but certainly not least, God, thank You for loving me enough to save me. Thank You for sending Your Son to die in my place. Thank You for seeing me as worthy of a love so great that Jesus willingly gave His life for mine.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Love always,

Kelsey